Angeles :My angel: (DestielSabriel)
by MJPaAnda
Summary: As Castiel became human he started to understand most of his newly discovered feelings: Concern, Anxiousness, Exhaustion, Sadness, Happiness, Grief, Lust, Satisfaction, Fear, Jealousy, Regret and even love. PAIN was the one feeling he had troubles with understanding, because he never had to feel it as an angel and there was no one who could explain it to him. All of the humans did
1. Chapter: Opposite of calmness

**WARNING: Self harm, Hurt/comfort, 18+ for blood, swearing, angst and smut**

**Title:** "Angeles" :My Angel:

**Author:** "MJPaAnda"

**Main couple/pairing:** Destiel, Dean and Castiel

**Characters:** Castiel Novak, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Gabriel, random people

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><p><em>Hope you enjoy, note that there is blood included and also suicidal thoughts, Dean out of character, suicidal castiel, lots of angst and don't mind the language.<em>

:D :D enjoy :D :D

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><p>Summary:<p>

As Castiel became human he started to understand most of his newly discovered feelings: Concern, Anxiousness, Exhaustion, Sadness, Happiness, Grief, Lust, Satisfaction, Fear, Jealousy, Regret and even love. PAIN was the one feeling he had troubles with understanding, because he never had to feel it as an angel and there was no one who could explain it to him. All of the humans did their best at avoiding the topic. Castiel decided with a feeling of guilt and self-loathe to experience just how high he was on the pain chart.

But, as it get too deep, Dean steps in to help him.

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><p><em><strong>PART I<strong>_

Dean Winchester woke up to another lousy cloudy day. Just by looking out the window he decided not to cross the doorway of the bunker he, his brother and his best friend were staying at.

Dean's head was pounding, resembling the hangover from the previous night. He's probably set a record on the amount of tequilas he SHOULDN'T drink. Or ANYONE for that matter. The blonde haired man tried to remember what happened the night before, as he drank a glass of water and a tablet of his new best friend: Aspirin.

He did assemble his mind enough to remember that he had yet another fight with the fallen angel. Castiel got a bit tipsy and accidentally fell on every single one of Dean's buttons. Once the man started shouting, their arguing didn't stop. Bobby was not around anymore and Sam... Well, Sam could not stand Dean's and Cas's fights (or "LOUD TALKS" as Dean liked to called them). He got used to locking himself in his own room, put the headphones on and lock himself away from everyone. He was usually on his bead, in the corner, sometimes tears running down his face if he could still hear them from downstairs. That is also where he usually fell asleep. He felt like a small child that was hiding from their parents' arguments, but he did not care.

What Sam did not know was that Castiel usually blacked out soon after, sometimes in the middle of the argument and Dean carried him bride style, to Dean's bed. He was already used to Castiel joining him in the middle of the night if he had nightmares or such. Sam did not know that Dean was the one that put his little brother to bed and put covers over him. He did not see the regret in Dean's eyes for every single drink he had and how he hated himself for knowing that he'll do it all over again. A thousand times over. Drink. Fight. Go to sleep. A never ending circle of a man that was on the edge, holding on by merely a thread.

Their 1st "fight" occurred a week after Castiel became a real human. He fell from Heaven. He said it was a punishment, but Gabriel told Sam and Dean later on, that Castiel asked to be thrown away from Heaven. No one knew why that would be the truth. Dean was so frustrated with Castiel, because he kept reminding him of how he betrayed the younger man's heart. At first he simply told Castiel to shut his mouth, but to no avail. Castiel kept pushing and pushing, until finally Dean slapped him over the face and started shouting at him. He could still remember each word and he knew how hurtful those probably seemed to Castiel. Of course the ex-angel had his own opinion he wanted to share. That's how Sammy had to witness their first "argument" and break them apart after each received a punch from the other.

With that beautiful start, their fights continued and became quite frequent. Only two months passed from Castiel's humanisation, but Dean already seemed to be having a hard time remembering the last time he and Castiel had one of those meaningless, stupid little talks. He admitted to himself that he wanted those moments back but found it much easier to drink until he couldn't think straight, have his spill of mind towards his best friend and then forget it the next morning. Of course he did not forget any of it, but Castiel made it seem as if he had no memory of them AT ALL, Sam and Dean only played along and berried them deep down in their hearts.

Dean brought himself back to reality. As usual he walked to Sam's room, knocked three times on his door and yelled his name, accompanied by a simple "Get up!" to make sure the other one heard him.

When it came to Castiel, however, Dean had a much gentler approach. He always knocked on the door of his own room announcing his name. He would then walk up to his small bed and find a sleeping angel, partly naked, caught among the covers. He would wake him up with a gentle brush to the side of his perfect face and a kiss to his forehead. Dean wasn't sure why, but it made him happy to know that the first thing Castiel saw in the morning were a pair of emerald green eyes looking down at him with pure love caught out and inside of their owner's body.

Only, this time it was different. There was no angel in the bed for him to find.

"Cas? Cas?!", Dean yelled into the air around him, waiting for an answer, but got none. He panicked right away. Forgetting the first rule of always carrying a gun, he ran around the bunker weaponless, calling his friend's name over and over again. The loud noise woke Sam up.

"What's up?" was all he managed to say still half asleep. Dean walked past him, with a yell. "Cas's gone!"

In a matter of seconds, Sam was fully awake, now running around the bunker with Dean. The blonde man decided he should check outside, while Sam was already dialling a number on his phone, even though Dean said it was not necessary.

The tall man paced down one of the halls and his eyes suddenly stopped on a closed door. He knew that that was the bathroom. Sam was a bit confused. Did they already check that room? Why did he not notice it? He slowly approached the doors belonging to the bathroom, the phone still to his ear. He listened for a sound behind them, but it was quiet. He pushed down the doorknob. The doors did not budge. With a strong kick, the wooden piece wrecked open.

The image Sam was welcomed with, made him stop in his tracks and his heart skip a heartbeat.

"911, what is your emergency?"

Sam's hands dropped next to his body, Soon he could hear Dean entering the bunker and looking for him. Dean almost immediately sensed that something was wrong. In a mere second, he was next to Sam and his face turned to look in the same direction as Sam.

"Is anyone there? This is 911. Please, state your emergency."

Dean was quick to react in any kind of situation. Even if it included his best friend sitting in a corner of the bathroom, both of his hands of the cold ground on each side of his body, his arms freshly cut on several places, his face pale and lifeless, red blood all around him. Dean knelt down next to him. First he checked Castiel's neck for impulse and once it was there he held both of his hands and yelled to Sam that they really needed that call. Sam lifted his phone back to his ear and said only a few simple words that his shocked mind managed to turn into a sentence.

"Are you still there?"

"Yes, 911 here. What is your emergency?"

"My friend is... bleeding."

"Could you describe how severe his wounds are?"

"Cuts of several depths all over his arms," Sam said choking back tears. Dean suddenly screamed his way to ask the other person on the line what he should do.

"What should we do?" Sam question in case she couldn't hear Dean before.

"Sir, calm down. You must try to stop the bleeding. Put the-" Sam put her on a speaker, "-towels or anything similar, but clean to his hands and tightly wrap those on the most crucial points. Those are wherever the cuts are the deepest. Probably the wrists. Wherever the veins can be cut."

"Can we take him to the hospital?!" Dean asked, his voice getting more panicked every second.

"Yes. That is much faster than waiting for an ambulance. Don not forget to keep the pressure on the wound while on your way. He mustn't loose too much blood."

"Yes. Yes, we will. Thank you," Sam managed to say.

"Good luck," was all he heard before hanging up.

That was enough for Dean. He picked up the unmoving body in his arms bride style and walked towards the doors and then to the Impala. Sam was right behind him with a wallet, set of towels and the car keys. Dean and Castiel were soon on the back seat, Castiel's head in Dean's lap, the green eyes holding the other one's hands in his own, keeping the pressure on the wounds, looking away from them and focusing on Castiel's closed eyes and breath that escaped his slightly parted lips. Sam came soon after them, sat behind the wheel and started the engine.

Neither of the two traumatised men, wanted to talk, although Sam felt the need to say something.

"Hold on Cas. We'll save you. You'll be fine. I promise," Sam heard his older brother whisper to the one in his arms. When he heard those tender words coming from the one he knew would never brake under pressure, he bit his bottom lip and tried to focus on the road, rather on the dark thoughts filling his mind. He realised that keeping silent and only listening to his brother's silent pleadings for their friend to survive and keep fighting ,while he kept his tears inside as much as he could was a sacrifice big enough. Although Dean was also trying to seem calm and collected in a simple attempt to save his brother's mind from breaking, but mostly to keep himself from crushing inside.

Surprisingly it did not take them long to reach the hospital. As soon as Sam walked through the doorway with half dead bleeding Castiel in his arms and Dean screaming for help, the nurses noticed them and lead him to a room where he was instructed to put his friend's lifeless body on a bed. As one of the nurses pushed him and Dean outside of the room that way now filled with nurses and doctors trying to get the life back to Castiel's body, the younger Winchester noticed the blood staining all of the white beddings and staff's uniform.

15 minutes later, the two Winchesters found themselves in the waiting room. Dean was pacing around the almost empty room, while the younger kept his eyes focused on the palms he had spread in front of him and all of the blood covering them. Dean stopped for a moment seeing Sam's never ending stare and the emotion in his eyes. All he could do was sit next to him and try his best to at least say something and let him know he's not alone in this. He could relate to the emotionless man next to him.

Dean put his hand in front of Sam's and pushed them away, to get Sam's attention.

"We're gonna get through this Sammy. It's gonna be O.K. Now, go wash that off. You don't need any mementos."

Without arguing, Sam stood up and walked down the hall. Dean was left alone. He waited for some more, until finally a young raven haired nurse stopped in front of him.

"Are you... Dean?" She asked nicely looking at the paper in her hands and then at him.

"Depends on who's asking," he said a bit seductively, but kicked himself mentally for doing it in a time like this. 'Bad habits die last', he said to himself.

"We were said you brought in Castiel Novak," she said, not even bothering about his flirt. Dean was thankful for that and decided to cut it off.

"Yes, I did. Dean is me. I mean, I am Dean. Yes," he stuttered a bunch of words out of his system.

"There is no need for you to be nervous, Dean. Your friend is completely safe. He is alive and breathing."

Dean was so ready for disappointment, that he did not know how to react. He kept silent, his lips lightly apart.

"Mr. Novak was found with severe crucial wound that we had to stitch up. His bleeds stopped, so eventually he WILL heal," she continued and then somewhat drifted away.

Dean motioned for her to continue her thought with a word "But..."

"BUT, though he might be physically healthy, I don't think his mental state is all that well."

Dean pushed that doubt away from his mind and asked her if he can see Castiel instead.

"Yes. If he lets you that is. Like I said, he might not-"

"It's alright. We're family."

He already walked away, but soon stopped and turned to her, raising his voice so she could hear him.

"If you see a tall man with long brown hair, please tell him where I am. His name's Sam."

"Yes, sir. Room 116."

"Thank you."

Dean quickly reached the doors that had written 116 on them. He already lifted his hand wanting to knock, when he remembered that Castiel was probably asleep. He pressed the doorknob and opened the doors.

He got welcomed by darkness. The only light were the few flares of sun that escaped the blindfolds on the window. He easily got used to the dark and saw the bed with a man sitting on it, his back towards the door.

"Cas? It's me. Dean."

He got no response from the other man. Dean closed the doors. He carefully walked closer to Cas and when he was right next to him, he saw that Castiel's blue eyes were focused on the dimmed window in front of him. His breaths were slow and steady. Both of his arms were fully wrapped up with bandages. 'At least there's no blood,' was the first thing crossing Dean's mind.

The younger man sat on the bed next to his friend and turned towards where he was looking. He did not want to speak. He did not want to argue. It was easier to wait for Castiel to make the first step.

"Dean... I'm sorry,"" he heard the other man say. He wanted to shout at him once more, that it was enough of him apologising, but decided he can do the same with a normal voice - calm and steady, as Castiel breaths.

"If you're gonna keep on saying you're sorry, then you shouldn't do the stuff you'll later regret, Cas," he said, looking at him. Castiel did not return the look, but sighed instead.

"I don't know what I'll regret. I can't predict the future Dean."

"I know that Cas. But maybe what you did right now, might be one of those things you SHOULDN'T do."

"I do not REGRET it Dean. But yes, I am aware of the fact that I went too far. Usually I know when to stop," he accidentally let the words slip his slip. He bit his slip when he realised just what he said.

"Usually? You mean-" Dean rotated his body so he was turned to Castiel and saw the nod from the other one. A tear formed in the angelic eyes. Dean watched it fall down the ex-angel's pale cheek.

"I've been doing it for a while now." he whispered.

"WHY?"

Both men swung around upon hearing the familiar voice.

"Sammy-"Dean started, but was cut off by his younger brother's words.

"No, Dean! I deserve to know! I've had it with you two! You are practically falling apart and loosing your livers with all the alcohol! And YOU Cas! Fighting with Dean was probably not enough for you! You had to make HIM a wreck, then off YOURSELF and make ME one too!"

The two older men lowered their heads. Being yelled at by Sammy, was not a common thing to happen.

"What you do to yourselves..." he whispered. "IT'S JUST STUPID!" He jelled the latter words and the stormed out of the room. Walking down the corridor, he realised that he was not crying, unlike Castiel. Perhaps even Dean. He was not sad. No, he was DISAPPOINTED in the two men he was supposed to look up to as the youngest of the three. He was angry at them, but furious with himself.

WHY DID HE NOT STOP THEIR SECOND FIGHT?

WHY DID HE POUR MORE DRINK INTO DEAN'S GLASS, WHEN ASKED?

WHY DID HE NOT CHECK WHO WAS CRYING IN THE BATHROOM, THAT ONE STORMY NIGHT?

If then Dean and Castiel knew just how much Sam blamed himself for their own mistakes, both of them would think 3 times before deciding what's best.

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><p><em>Author's Note:<em>  
><em>Hope you enjoyed :) I sure did, and yes I know that would never happen. More of the actual timeline and everything will be explained later. Just know that this is after bobby's death, after purgatory, but before Naomi. Castiel went back with Dean, was brought to heaven and threw himself out (SPILER ALERT FOR FUTURE CHAPTERS). It's complicated, but you will understand eventually. I'll also add a link to my trailer to this fanfic as soon as I finish it :D <em>  
><em>Visit again soon!<em>


	2. Chapter: Opposite of Enmity

**WARNING: Self harm, Hurt/comfort, 18+ for blood, swearing and smut**

**Title:** "Angeles" :My Angel:

**Author:** "MJPaAnda"

**Main couple/pairing:** Destiel, Dean and Castiel

**Characters:** Castiel Novak, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Gabriel, random people

PART II - Opposite enmity

"You did not answer him Cas?" Dean whispered from his spot on the bed.

"Excuse me?" Castiel asked.

"You did not answer his question," he said and then turned to look at Castiel. Slowly and carefully he lifted Castiel's arms and put them onto his own lap. He slowly caressed the fabric covering his milky skin.

"Dean, what are you doing?" the raven started, but paused immediately when he saw Dean's slick fingers started to unwrap his bandages.

Each turn around Castiel's arm, revealed a new scar to Dean-some were long, some small, some deeper than the others, but there was a whole lot of them all over his arms in no particular sequence. While the owner of each one of them kept his eyes away from them, the examiner made sure to inspect each one carefully.

"Dean, I'm not comfortable with you seeing... THEM," Castiel said and pulled his arm away, but to no avail as Dean kept it in place.

"I don't feel comfortable with you hurting yourself and look where we are."

Castiel's attempt at stopping Dean from seeing his mistakes failed gravely. Dean unwrapped the last piece of bandage and put it away. Those slender milky skinned hands were laying in his own, palms turned upwards. Dean felt the guilt creeping up. The scars were laughing at him. A line for every time he failed his best friend. Hurt him. To him it was the same as if e was the one taking the blade and cut into the perfection. He was the one who ruined it. He was the one who ruined HIM.

The younger man used his left hand to hold Castiel's right one in place. With the other one's fingers, he brushed over the scar that was stitched together. 15cm in height, 5mm in width as the doctor explained.

How deep, was unknown to Dean.

"I still can't believe you did this..."

"Dean, I can explain-"

"CAN YOU?! Go on then. Tell me WHY you always act before talking to me. Or anyone! Why you chose DEATH Over LIFE! Why you made my younger brother see the scene of his half dead FRIEND drowning in his own blood!"

He spoke with his eyes lowered and voice slightly raised. Dean took a deep breath, before lifting his green eyes, colliding with the heavenly blue ones. His voice calmed down completely. How could he stay mad, while looking at those eyes he used to dream of tearing up.

"Castiel, you can't change the facts behind his. You wanted to leave. You wanted to leave ME. You KILLED yourself."

Castiel shook his head in denial.

"No, Dean. I am here. Alive and breathing," he said,, taking Dean's hand and putting it on his chest so he could feel his heartbeat.

"Cas.. no..." he pulled the hand away. "You CUT your WRISTS. We can't forget about this like we did our fights. This is of much more- " he started his speech only to be cut off by Castiel's own words.

"We never forgot. NOT REALLY. Did we?" the older man said and stood up. He walked to the window, Dean's eyes following his every move and every breath. When did the angel become so skinny? The body he was stuck in looked like a shell of someone who gave up completely. Dean hated it.

"I never did. I remember your every word Dean. I might not be an angel, but I don't need to travel back in time to tell you what you said to me. BETRAYAL. DISAPPOINTMENT. HATE. One of the few emotions you thoroughly described to me. And now..." he turned to Dean. "You ask me why I wanted to end it with this-" he showed him his wound. "You have the NERVE to ask why I was trying to HURT myself, why you kept saying I deserved it."

Dean also stood up, dangerously close to his 'friend'.

"You're taking it out of context. I was DRUNK and I was freaking pissed!"

The two men kept their glares at each-other for a few minutes, before continuing. Dean was the one to break the silence.

"**I** will take the blame, o.k.? It was MY fault we drank too much. It was MY fault we fought. It's MY fault you hurt yourself. MY fault I almost lost you. AND it's MY fault Sammy was crying and had to go through all of this stuff AGAIN."

Dean tried to leave, but Castiel caught his hand when he turned away.

"Blaming yourself is not the right answer, Dean."

The dirty blonde man closed his eyes ad tightened his intertwined finger's grip around Castiel's.

"It's the best I've got," that was enough for him to turn around and place a peck on Castiel's lips. It was short and soft, but meaningful to both of them even if they didn't realize it yet. The moment ended with Dean walking away, leaving Castiel alone with his crazy thoughts. His head was messed up. His feelings were a wreck. He wanted to take the blade and drown his sorrow in the familiar pain.

"You're stronger than this, Castiel. You can win this. You HAVE to. For DEAN."

He leaned to the wall and slid down, his knees pressed to his chest and fell asleep thinking about those emerald green eyes.


	3. Chapter: Opposite of Pointless

**WARNING: Self harm, Hurt/comfort, 18+ for blood, swearing and smut**

**Title:** "Angeles" :My Angel:

**Author:** "MJPaAnda"

**Main couple/pairing:** Destiel, Dean and Castiel

**Characters:** Castiel Novak, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Gabriel, random people

**PART III - Opposite of Pointless**

A black Chevy '67 Impala was driving on the road a day after. It's owner decided to ditch the other two men. He left them behind in a motel to deal with a case they encountered.

Dean was unaware of the fact the he was driving aimlessly to nowhere in particular. His eyes were focused on the road, the radio played his favorite Led Zeppelin songs at full volume. He was confused and wanted to be alone. He had to pick the pieces of his mind and heart. He would slowly put them in stacks and construct a strong wall that no one would be able to break. He's done that a thousand times before. Of course those times did not include his confusing feeling for Castiel that even he didn't understand.

But that was hardly the issue.

Just as he was weighing pros and cons for turning his car and returning to his brother versus driving off the cliff, he heard a phone ringing. He answered it and turned on the speaker.

"This is Dean's other-other phone. Do what you got to," he said with a serious and deep voice.

"Don't be a jerk," said the voice from the other side of the line that belonged to Sam.

"What shall be your message, Samantha." Dean said mockingly. It seemed weird to him, but no matter the time or threat they had hanging above their heads, he always found the time to mock his younger brother. After all, why would only one of the Winchesters got to feel like crap.

"I assume we're looking at a ghost here. Cas is already burning the bones as we speak," Sam explained.

"Is it safe to let him be?" he said his words describing worry but none of it was in his voice so it was hidden from Sam.

"Have some trust in him, Dean. You are the one who always stood up for him, no matter what. He's just lost. Not USELESS," Sam pleaded.

"'f course, Sammy. But, so am I. And that don't make me bleed on purpose in front of you Does it," Dean shared his opinion.

Sam sighed into the phone realizing he's not gonna get anywhere with his older brother.

"Why are you so butthurt about it? I'm FINE. I've seen lots of people bleed in front of me. Even you. Multiple times."

"After that... Time... We promised ourselves to never be the ones ending our lives and to always stay together. No matter how tough it got. Hell, I've survived Purgatory and you had Lucifer in your head. We've been through all of that and even more. When crap like this comes around, we deal with it. Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and selfishly cut our wrists to bleed out. I've done my mistakes and I admit them to be wrong. I see no reason good enough to explain why Castiel couldn't do the same."

"Dean. Is it the fact that you can't save him that's bothering you? Are you THAT afraid you might lose him? Or is it something even deeper?"

"Sam, I don't go DEEP. What you see is what you get."

"You really are the worst."

"See you in a couple of hours."

Like he promised, Dean returned to their motel only one and a half hours later after the phone call. When he unlocked the doors with the spare key and opened them, he found Sammy sitting at the table, his nose in a book. Lately, Sam found quite a lot of time to actually read stuff not connected to hunting, so it was not strange to Dean if he found Sam with a Harry Potter book opened in front of him.

He also noticed the sleeping figure on the bed, curled in a ball. Sam was not even that far from his bed even if he was across the room from him. Their room was partially small for 3 grown men. Two beds and a couch. A small kitchen. Small living room with a TV in front of the couch and the small coffee table.

"You slay the monster?" Dean asked while walking closer to Sam and taking off his jacket.

"It's been taken care of," he answered, "No thanks to you," he said and finally looked at him.

"Drop the bitch-face, Sam. I'm not in the right mood. I'm tired."

Sam glared at Dean and then put his focus back to the pages of his book. Dean returned the glare. He let himself fall on the bed opposite of Castiel, closer to Sam than him. He turned to his side and looked at the ex-angel. He couldn't help but notice how calm he looked while sleeping. Now he understood where the phrase "sleeping like an angel" actually came from. Castiel shifted in his sleep and was now laying on his back. Dean kept observing him. He noticed how Castiel's chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm. He also noticed his dried out pink lips were slightly parted and let the silent snores escape them.

"Why..." he thought to himself and then looked at Sam. "Sam!?" he yelled .

"Yes. Dean." Sam answered through gritted teeth, thinking that it was probably Dean's intention to wake up the sleeping human.

"Did Cas act any different today?" Dean asked with the intention of finding out if Castiel resented him for the kiss they shared.

"You mean because he almost died yesterday?" Sam said obliviously.

"No. I mean, yes. Well, partially." he stuttered.

"No. I don't think he was," Sam sighed and then paused.

"Though there was that one time-" he said searching through his memory of the past day.

"What was it?" Dean said, now completely intrigued. He sat on the edge of his bed, turned to the taller of the two.

Sam put his book down and looked at his brother.

"He had this weird questions. He asked me about Jess," Sam exclaimed, almost choking on the name.

"Jessica? Why would he-"

"Right?! That's what I thought," Sam ran his fingers through his long brown hair.

"He asked me about our first date, our first kiss, how I FELL IN LOVE."

With each said word, surprise on Dean's face grew more and more visible. He carelessly nodded to each one of Sam's statements. Sam noticed the WEIRD in his brother right away.

"Dean, are you o.k.? Why do you even care?"

The dirty blonde haired man shook his head and looked in another direction, avoiding Sam's questioning eyes.

"I'm not, I-I mean-I DON'T OK . I'm just curious."

"'f course you are," he sad and tuned back to his reading.

"Bitch," Dean let the nickname out of his throat with a humorous sound and lay back down.

"Jerk," Sam returned the compliment just as mockingly, putting up his bitch face, not lifting his look.

When Dean next opened his eyes, it was pitch black outside. He turned on the small lamp on the nightstand. Looking to his left, he noticed that the bed next to him was empty. He brushed the sleep away from his eyes with his fists and called out his friend's name.

"Cas?!" the name came out quite quiet and kind of raspy.

Dean noticed he was really sleep deprived, No answer came from the darkness, but he did hear a snore from the couch where Sam was asleep.

Once his vision cleared and his eyes got used to the darkness, he noticed a dim light coming from under the bathroom door.

"Cas? Are you o.k.?"

Taken by the old habit, he reached for the gun under his pillow. He took a few slow, cautious steps, sneaking towards the wooden doors. Once there, he opened them in a quick motion and pointed the gun to the first thing he saw.

"Sorry, Cas."

He quickly put the weapon away, when he saw Castiel sitting on the closed toilet and was now looking at him with a puzzled expression.

"Dean, why are you awake?" he asked.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I was... I really don't remember what I was doing. What I still am."

He said the words with his head bowed down and then he looked back at his best friend.

"Why didn't you let me die?"

"You really believe that after all we've been through together I'd let you die?"

"I DESERVED to die."

Castiel tilted his look and looked towards his bare feet.

"C'mon you should get some sleep."

"I CAN'T sleep, Dean."

"Still having nightmares?" Dean asked and Castiel nodded his head.

"Horrible nightmares when I sleep. Terrible, painful thoughts when I'm awake. Dean..." he looked up to the man in front of him, his eyes already stained with freshly fallen tears, more of them ready to come.

"I can't."

Dean ignored his tears. He had to, so he could keep his own inside. He extended his arms and let Castiel hug him around his waist. His body acted on his own and soon he found himself embracing Castiel, one hand around his shoulders and the other on his neck, gliding up and down in comfort.

"Shhh, it's alright. I'm here. It's gonna be alright," he tried to calm down the newly born human in his hands.

When he heard Castiel's silent whimpers they remembered him of the first time Castiel came crying to him. It all happened right after he fell from Grace. He would often have nightmares and wake up screaming. Both of the brothers came running the first few times, but eventually it was Dean who took over. He would hold Castiel in his arms, until the ex-angel fell asleep, listening to Dean's steady hear beat. Dean was aware of the fact that Castiel was new to the whole having emotions and feelings thing, so he did his part of the sacrifice by being next to him when needed. Even if that included Castiel coming to his room in the middle of the night. Even if he took him under the sheets. Even if he did put his arms around him giving protection. Even if he did enjoy every night he spent with the fragile human in his hands making them the only thing keeping him from falling apart. Dean reacted selfishly, but was glad he did it, because in return, Castiel never left them. He stayed with Dean.

"Dean, I don't want to be here," Castiel said through the tears, in between whispers.

"Well, you're not going anywhere."

"Dean, I'm all alone. No one cares about me. I'm worthless. I don't deserve to live."

"That is not for you to decide."

"I NEED a reason to live."

As Castiel lifted his head to look at the man comforting him, he felt a pair of soft lips on his own dried out ones. His mind went blank and he let himself go. Dean's hands were soon on his neck, deepening the connection. Castiel whined into his lips which made Dean slip his tongue into the other's mouth. Their tongues fought for dominance exploring their mouths, licking around the teeth, wanting to taste the other as much as possible. Another whine came from Castiel once they separated and both gasped for air.

"Dean..."

"YOU are one of MY reasons to keep on living," Dean said, making their foreheads touch, by a gentle push to his neck with his hand.

Castiel could only stare into the shine of the emerald green eyes looking back at him. He had a pink blush covering his cheeks.

Dean's hand soon slipped down and so did Castiel's arms. Dean announced he's going to bed and said "G'night" to Castiel.

Once he was away from Castiel's view and in his bed, he let his face be re-colored into a light shade of red.

_'Why am I blushing? Not like it's my first kiss or anything. Why did I kiss Cas? What's wrong with me?! What's happening to me? I can't possibly have FEELINGS for Cas!'_

Before anything else was 'said' in his mind, he could feel the weight shift on the bed and a hand that made its way on his hip. First he tensed up, but soon relaxed. He waited for the person to scoot closer to him and snuggle in between Dean's neck and shoulder. They were turned to each other. Dean's right arm was over Castiel's shoulder while his left was under his neck and he was keeping him super close, not even a centimeter between them. Castiel's right arms was clenching Deans' T-Shirt while his left one was on Dean's hip. Their legs were entangled together and a sheet, that was partially covering their bodies.

"Goodnight, Dean..." Castiel whispered. His eyes slowly closed and just as he felt he was drifting away he could hear a very silent voice coming from in front of him.

"Good night, Huggy-Bear."

They both drifted away with the thought, that this really was the best way someone could fall asleep.


End file.
